CHAPTER 6: STAYING IN LOVE: PART II - INTIMACY AND FREEDOM
Losing personal freedom is one of the biggest relationship fears. It keeps some people from committing to a relationship and others from opening their hearts once they are in a relationship.
The two essential needs that guide human behavior, the need for love and the need to establish an independent identity, put us on the horns of a perplexing dilemma. The paradox of being in a loving relationship while staying true to ourselves is expressed in the title of Drs. Margaret and Jordan Paul’s best-selling book, Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You? As their publisher said before the book was printed, “The title alone will sell a million copies.”
Establishing an identity requires the personal freedom to explore and express our abilities, feelings and preferences. In childhood, most of us learned that exercising personal freedom resulted in the loss of acceptance and/or love. In our attempts to protect ourselves from losing love most of us compromised our true nature.
Our learned defensive behaviors carry over into adulthood and typically emerge when we face conflict. Conflicts, which can be thought of as any difficulty or upset, are bound to occur. Reacting to upsets with a heart disconnection is so automatic that most people are usually not aware when they have compromised their own integrity or that of another. Ultimately, we push away the intimacy we so desperately crave.
The following list contains some of the ways that people in relationships typically give up themselves. Although you may identify with one of these behaviors more than the others, at times, most people have done them all.
· Going along with what your partner wants even though it is inconsistent with what your heart wants.
· Resisting what your partner wants even though to do it would be consistent with what your heart wants.
· Doing what is consistent with your heart, but lying or not talking about it with your partner.
· Rebelling and doing the opposite of what your partner wants without even knowing what your heart wants.
· Giving up doing things that are consistent with your heart's
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