CHAPTER 4: FALLING IN LOVE
A Heart-Connected Commitment
One of the early challenges in getting to know someone better is determining the line between “just dating” and a “significant other” relationship. Central to the discussion of taking it to the next level are the definitions of commitment that each partner holds. There can be different definitions within one person. For example, a person might think intellectually that a “commitment” is solely or mostly about monogamy. In practice he/she might be expecting much more than that.
Some common expectations include:
• The amount of time a couple spends together.
• How informed each one is about what the other is doing on any given day.
• The way decisions are made, not only about where to go and what to do together, but also about other life issues, such as buying a car or house, having a pet, or children.
• Holding a certain position of importance in the life of the other (being a priority).
• What outside relationships with friends or previous partners would exist.
• If a partner is addicted to cigarettes, alcohol or drugs, there might be an expectation/wish that these behaviors decrease, or end.
Traditionally, commitment is viewed as a restriction on behavior, such as we will do certain things, perform certain actions in a certain way and not do other things. For example, we will talk everyday, we will engage in a certain amount of sexual activity and will not date or have sex with others. This kind of commitment functions as a fence to keep certain behaviors active and other behaviors inactive for the sake of the relationship.
It is no wonder that, when approached this way, all kinds of bells and whistles go off in people as fears of losing one’s freedom and individuality kick in. Some people seek this kind of commitment to help them feel safe and secure. The reality is that the more we try to control the future and our partner, the less secure a relationship becomes.
The realization that everything you truly need and want follows from being heart-connected is a significant shift in defining commitment.
A heart-connected commitment is not about restricting or controlling your behavior or that of your partner. Rather, it means that the number one priority is to live more connected to your heart. When disconnections occur, striving to learn from the situation and bringing yourself back to a centered place is the key to staying connected.
Discussing this heart-connected definition of commitment early on in a new relationship will lay a foundation that supports loving growth. Talking about these issues sooner rather than later will also give you important information about the kind of person you are getting to know. Once a primary commitment to heart-centered communication is made, discussions around other important topics—such as monogamy, sexuality, scheduling, and obligations—will have a much greater chance of working out to mutual satisfaction. You are now ready to enter the long-term phase of your relationship crucible.
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